Things I Don't Post to Facebook

Since it's been a whole year since I last posted, I feel like I'm shouting down an empty hallway.

Let me catch you up. In 2016 I....

~closed up my "daycare" (because seriously, worst. idea. ever.)
~helped raise $1000+ for DetermiNation
~ran a little
~drank a lot
~was elected secretary for our church's women's group
~started working at a high-end spa and actually making adult money
~gained a little weight
~went on a diet
~continued worrying about my kids' mental health
~started meditating with more consistency
~found a new friendship soul mate in my son's best friend's mom
~continued therapy
~ran a little more
~was on TV with DetermiNation
~quit DetermiNation
~rejoined DetermiNation
~tread water most of the year

I don't think there's a roadmap for how to recover from 2016. I've tried little things here and there. I created a List of 5 things to do while recovering from a tragedy (e.g. the 2016 election).

Step 1: Self-care
Step 2: Donate something
Step 3: Gather with supportive people
Step 4: Research and decide where your talents are best used
Step 5: Change the World

That's all I've got. I want to write more. Because I miss it. And because creating time to sit still needs to be on my 2017 list.

I've Probably Lost My Mind

Between Daycare, life, life, and church, I'm pretty busy. But I promised a few people I would run something this year for DetermiNation, and this week I finally picked it. It'll be my first medalled race since Ragnar two years ago. And it's my first DNation race for three years.

And then Bowie died. And THEN Rickman died. And I just had to move before I lost that momentum. This is a big disease. This stupid thing takes SO many people. And I know that it's technically lots of different diseases that are grouped together.

And I also know that the American Cancer Society is a behemoth organization with occasionally questionable spending habits. But I can't deny that they run the world's largest research, support, and advocacy groups for cancer. And when anyone (against MY advice) Google's their diagnosis, Cancer.org is the first hit. And I just keep hoping that ACS keeps putting out thorough, balanced, intelligent information for people to read. Because the internet is scary. And Cancer is scary. Combining those two can freak people out hard core.

So I'm running. And Stephan is running. We picked the Soldier Field 10-Mile because it had no fundraising minimum, and was our first DNation race together. And we're recruiting like mad for more people to run with us because so many people are hurting right now because of cancer and this one small (?) thing can help lighten that pain. Training and fundraising for a race feels good. It's how I'm fighting back against the scary, the sad, and the angry.

And the Hits just Keep on Coming!!

To answer a few follow-up questions from my last post:

~The new career path (Ha! Melanie, I should just call you!!) is.... dah dah dah DAH!!! I'm starting a daycare in my home. For an entire year I've been trying to make the massage thing happen profitably while leaving Stephan's schedule to be his crazy schedule, and not wasting all my income on babysitting. While I still LOVE massage, and continue to study and experiment with bodywork, for an income it's been tough. Add to that the desire to spend as much time as I can with the new baby.... and Yay! We happen to have two neighbors expecting new babies this fall, and one of them already has a small one needing day care. So it will be a slow start, but I'm SO excited!! I've been spending the last month on websites, borrowing books, chatting up other daycare owners, and putting together the resources and knowledge base to make this a really fun and educational experience for everyone. Even more than "keeping them alive," I hope I actually can help the bigger ones to learn a little more about how the world works.

~Running is amazing!! I'm still in 2+ year old shoes and the aches and pains are mounting, but I've pulled in some 10 minute miles, and added some stroller-cross-training to the mix. With the Fitbit I've been watching my steps and really try to hit the 10,000 step goal every day. That has meant a LOT of walks to the grocery store (1.8 miles round trip!), to the park (0.8 round trip, but I can usually pace back and forth enough in an hour to get up to 2+ miles), and up and around the park district while swim lessons happen. Add to all that the diet tweaks (vegetarian-based!!) and I'm down 10 lbs since May!!!

Hopefully this year I can start sleeping more- that's a giant goal. We have a few more weeks to get the baby's schedule dialed in before kindergarden starts, and the rubber meets the road with the daycare. I remember working a full time job. It was busy, but stressful in the good "checking stuff off the list" kind of way. Cheers to that being the case in the next 10 months!!!!

(Sorry for the exclamation points. Maybe that sleeping thing isn't quite put together yet)

"That" Run

I went out for a run tonight, and it turned into "that" run.

It was that run that started as a 3 mile, but got an extra mile tacked on because it just felt so easy to do. The last 10 months (let's be honest, it's been since I got pregnant 18 months ago) have been hella crazy. I did not own my body, and a lot of things in life got tossed around. Stephan was finishing school, started a new job, this tiny roommate moved in and never slept... So many things in the last year and a half flew around the room like a bad scene from Poltergeist.

But today, this weekend, finally, things started to settle. Stephan found a groove at work. We got some really good news we've been waiting for about his school stuff. I figured out where I'm going professionally for the next few years. Sawyer started taking new classes that he totally loves, and is looking forward to kindergarden in the fall. My last cancer screening came back clean (7 years!! Yay!) The baby is sleeping.... somewhat... predictably... and I've actually started running 5 days a week again.

Today was the definition of "in the groove". Everything is settling down. Finally. We are all breathing much deeper than we have in a long, long, long time. And toward the end of the run this amazing song started to play. I love it. It embodied everything I was feeling.

Enjoy life!!

Product Review

Because it's 9:30pm and BOTH BOYS ARE ASLEEP IN BEDS. Yes. We did the sleep training stuff with the baby over the long weekend and lots of prayers and whatever other magic happened and he got with the program within 20 minutes the first night. Since then it's been amazing. He cries for not even 5 minutes and is out for up to SIX HOURS. Yes. He slept for SIX HOURS the other night.

Anyway, for Mother's Day my mom gave me a Fitbit One. She asked me to research Fitbits for her, and when I compared and contrasted them online we came up with the two most useable ones. She kept one, and gave me the other one. I waited an entire month to write this just to make sure I loved it as much as I thought I did.

And I do. I love that I can see my steps during the day. I love that I can stuff it in a pocket while I'm doing massage (although it doesn't count massaging as "stepping" so that's a bummer). I TOTALLY love the app that I'm addicted to where I input all my foods and water for the day and it automatically tracks my calories in vs calories out. I've never been good at counting calories. And maybe I'm still not great at it. But it's been amazing for me to see what foods I eat a ton of for almost no calories (air-popped popcorn anyone??) and what foods I indulge in that cost me an entire day of walking (french fries are the DEVIL). I'm a numbers person, so I'm totally motivated by thinking about the calorie deficit I need to maintain in order to lose weight.

So far I've lost 6lbs this month.

The saddest part is realizing that the old saying of "weight is lost in the kitchen" is completely true. I once ate french fries for lunch and figured I would just walk them off later. Nope. 3 miles later I wasn't back to baseline. Food is SO much easier consumed than burned.

I'm still not running, so getting the 5 miles (about 10,000 steps) a day is really hard. Luckily, when I sit on the exercise ball to soothe the baby it thinks I'm walking, so I can get a few extra steps in that way. I don't feel like it's cheating since bouncing takes a lot of coordination and core strength.

Wow. A coherent blog post. See what happens with sleep and a quiet house??? I may run for president next.

Breathe

Maybe it's because I now have two boys, but everything lately is centered around the bathroom.

This morning I was volunteering at a marathon and had to stop at the starting line to pick up a bunch of stuff. I was hoping to be quick enough to miss the start of the race, but I was about 45 seconds too late. As I was trying to turn my car onto the course, the first runner crossed in front of me and I knew I was about to watch the world's most boring parade.

So I backed out of the car line and parked it. I started walking back to the start line to hit the porta-poties since there would be no line. I thought to text the people I was meeting that I was stopping at the bathroom, or Stephan, or.... no. No one needs to know where I'm going.

As I sat in that porta-potty, I realized that no one but God knew where I was. It might be the first time in months that I wasn't trackable. And it was weird. And awesome. "No one knows where I am right now!!!" was a thought that kept circling my brain. It was so cool.

Honestly, it was hard to leave the john. Except for the terrible smell and being inches away from other peoples' poop.... I would have stayed in there for a really long time. I'm going to hold onto that memory for at least a few weeks.


Then later, Stephan saw me get completely frustrated with the boys (it was 10pm and they were both awake). He shoved me into the shower ("but I already took a shower today!"), and handed me a glass of iced gin and cherry juice. I started to just scrub the day off, but then stopped. The soap I use is hand made from natural ingredients. I held my hands over my face and just inhaled the smell of the actual lavender buds in the almond scrub.

It hit me... I paid WAY too much for this stuff to shower quickly. I took a lot of time to pick the products for their ingredients and scent... why not make sure I use up every smell I paid for? So I opened each bottle and pretty much just huffed my entire bathing routine. I love smells. And, of course, I stepped out a whole new person.

Really, the bathroom is the center of my home.

#tbt

(That means "throw back thursday". It's a thing people do on Thursdays when they want to remember something that happened in the past. It's usually a photo..... Call me if you have questions, Mom.)

Sawyer rode his bike to the park today while I pushed the baby. Instructing the 5-year-old to "not go too fast" was useless. So I had to start a slow jog to keep up with him. And that reminded me of this one time...........


Almost exactly 5 years ago I was pushing baby Sawyer in a stroller out to the "far away park" that's about a mile from our house. The weather was dark and foreboding, but I'm adventurous. I hadn't ever run a 5k. The furthest I'd ever run was about 2 miles on a treadmill, but I had high hopes. And decent shoes. So when we were about half a mile away from the house and it started drizzling, I broke into a slow jog. And I had to walk after about 15 feet. I was out of breath. I tried a few times to break into a run, but never made it very far.

I started wondering what would happen if I ever needed to run, like, if the rain that was falling got much worse, or if there was an emergency, or zombies. That wonder/fear drove me to start seriously running that summer. And the serious running led to the marathon the following spring (2011), which has led to meeting amazing DetermiNation friends, running friends, medals, journals, blog posts......

[Insert coherent ending about April Showers bringing lifetime flowers]

And What Does Daddy Teach You?

Last month Sawyer spontaneously started telling me what each member of our family teaches him. 

"Mommy teaches me to be kind... Amma teaches me to write the school way..." 

And what does Daddy teach you?

"A lesson."

There's a group of diaper commercials going around that shows a stereotyped mom being more permissive and comfortable with a second baby than a first baby (less hand sanitizer, more grease and dirt the second time around). It's funny. And pretty accurate. But isn't that how we all handle the "second" anything? That first marathon training program I followed to the digit. I think I missed two runs, and I agonized over each of them. A few months later I ran a 1/2 marathon and pretty much did half the scheduled workouts. You just understand what you can get away with after you've done something once. 

And the other thing you realize the second time around? That you really know nothing. If you can survive something following every rule, and then survive it again following only half the rules.... the thing is just survivable no matter what you do, or how you do it. I was SO judgmental of other runners while I was training for that first race. And maybe it's time I admit that I had a fair amount of things I thought about (that I thankfully didn't say out loud to) other parents when I was just a mom-of-one. 

But by now, "whatever works, dude," is pretty much my life motto. Second baby = second race = second career = second time around at anything... It hits me constantly that the terrible Jersey Shore motto of "you do you" is actually pretty brilliant.  

If you add to all of this that "you" is unique in every moment, at every time and stage, "doing you" can turn into a really zen directive. 

Today's lesson: you totally got this. Whoever "you" are. Whatever "this" is.

Things I Want

**NOT in order of importance

-New running shoes
-The baby to sleep through the night
-To run outside
-To walk outside
-To do anything outside
-To fit into my smaller pre-Adam jeans
-A self-cleaning fish tank
-Time to read a book
-Scandal to be on Hulu so I can find out what my friends are talking about
-To lay on a beach by the ocean and get a guilt-free tan

Bringing Sexy... out to the back yard

Core Work. Blaauhhhggg. I've never ever ever actually done core work. I've read articles about it. I've wondered if it would be a good idea. I've decided it would be a good idea. But in all the time I've been alive, I've never done core work.

Truth: In college I spent about a year weightlifting pretty seriously. At my best, I could squat more than 200lbs. At the time, I weighed less than 120. Yay me! But... no core work. I skipped abs and back. Because.... I don't know why.

So now that I'm into week 4 of 12 in the MuTu System (short for Mummy Tummy) I'm fully aware of how not-fun this is. And how NOT sexy the "lamp post pee" and the "lift and squeeze" are. It's small movements, little tweaks, over and over again. Core work is restructuring the supportive muscles in the torso and trunk. It's replacing the studs and floorboards of a house from inside the walls. Not. Easy.

All I want to do is run again. So maybe this is perfect motivation to actually finish the program. I want my shoes back. My sweat. My counting mile after mile. And a t-shirt. I really need a new "free" tshirt.

Woke Up Tired

I had a dream that I was running the Boston Marathon. When I got to the finish line, two of my friends were there. They told me I wasn't smiling enough in my finish line photos, and gave me tips for fun things to do so the pictures would turn out better. And they sent me back to try it all again.

If Nothing Changes....

... then nothing's going to change!

Why, hello there Blog people! It's been a while. We are still dealing with Stephan's parents on a weekly basis, driving out and back to review medicines, visit with nurses, check-in on physical therapy- so that's been keeping us muy busy for the last two weeks. So busy, I haven't had much time to rant and rave about resolutions, and then completely disobey my own advice and make resolutions.

What I have noticed lately is that the running isn't coming together the way I was hoping. There are a list of post-natural-birth symptoms that my body hasn't really recovered from. So I read a blog post from a virtual friend all about core strength, and started doing a bit of research.

Turns out, it's totally normal and almost expected that core strength isn't going to come back simply by wishing on stars and putting on running shoes. Also, kegels aren't actually the end-all-be-all exercise. It's just not that simple. There are more muscles involved in stabilizing the pelvis. Lots more muscles (which - duh - I should have realized as a massage therapist). SO many things attach to those dang hip bones.

And those pictures aren't even all of it!! Considering how the body totally contorts itself to make room for (and eventually shoot out) a baby, it's more than reasonable to take some extra time to realign everything. 

Which is why I signed up for MuTu. It's a 12-week program of core exercise videos, diet suggestions, and activity guidelines that seems to be right up my alley. ("Seems" because I signed up last night and started the first day this afternoon)

I'll keep you updated- if it works, it'll be awesome and totally worth it (the $97!!!). If it doesn't, well, at least I tried something different!!

1.0

Today, in honor of running my first mile-post-Adam, I'm posting a list of 5 things I have been told about running that were completely WRONG. None of the below is true. Most of them I heard and believed when I was training for my first marathon in 2011. Enjoy!

1. If you stop to walk, it doesn't count as a run.

2. A run of less than 3 miles is worthless.

3. You cannot miss more than one day of training for a race.

4. If you walk through a water station during a race, you didn't "run" it.

5. Anything less than a full marathon is a training run for a full marathon.

Don't Park That Bike!!

Week 4/5

The first two weeks back on my feet were tough. The beginning of the third one was exciting... I was pushing really hard to make it to the 21-day mark (although, when I looked up the basis behind the "21 days make a new habit" theory, I learned it's total crap). But I did not. I fell off the bike. The new baby got sick and I missed three work-out days that week, and two days in week 4.

Now that I type that I'm a little embarrassed that I almost trashed the whole program for those few days. The scheduling got crazy, we had Thanksgiving, and I was pretty sure I wasn't meant to start running again.

But I did! Stephan set up the schedule at the end of last week so I could get the runs in. And this week starts week 5, and I set myself up with a 3.5 mile run/walk very early in the morning. I'm not a morning runner, but if I'm going to get back on my feet and start racing again, I'm going to have to seriously suck it up.

Which I did, by waking up at 7am (haha!) and putting in the 3.5 miles at 12 degrees with a 10 mile/hour wind. Whew! It's 3 hours and a hot shower later and my legs STILL feel colder than the rest of my body.

Riding the bike is great. But you're going to fall. Isn't this a saying somewhere? It isn't how you ride the bike, it's how you get back on after you've fallen? Here's to regaining momentum!!!

Another Week 3

It's about 10 degrees in Chicago today. I finally surrendered to reality and called a friend to watch the baby so I could get a training walk done. I finished the 1.5 mile speed-walk outside and was SUPER excited that I'm actually on-track for a third week in a row... but wait... the walk was supposed to be 2.0 miles.

Over it. SO over it. And I've pretty much decided to let the park district have my money so I can use their treadmills on days like this. Because dang.

Remember when you were learning to ride a bike and you just barely caught your balance and you weren't quite sure what external forces were keeping you up, but you were upright, and you just repeated to yourself, "I'm doing it! I'm doing it!" That's what this week 3 feels like. I'm still pedaling, but I'm also putting my trust more in outside forces to help keep me upright. If I keep my feet moving, the Universe will help me with the rest.

And.... breathe.

Another Week 2

Still not sleeping. Still with the colic. BUT still on track with the Couch to 5k program. 30 second intervals, and it only slightly feels like my organs want to escape my body. It's getting way cold here (giving a new meaning to a "Sub-30" run) so taking Adam out in the stroller isn't an option. I'm working on loaning the baby to local friends and family a few days a week to squeak my 2-3 mile run/walks in.

Sadly, my winter running gear is still nowhere near fitting, so I'm still in Stephan's clothes.

Yay for husbands!

Another Day 2

Advice to myself (and you, if any of it resonates):

+ Choose a mantra while running.

- Do NOT use: "This sucks, this sucks, this sucks."

+ Dress for the weather, and your body type.

- Do NOT squeeze into old workout pants and expect to have a good run.

+ Accept today for what it is: Reality always wins.

- Do NOT label your run as a -3 on a scale of 1-10.

+ Buy a new sports bra when your body changes.

- Maybe try it on first. No, actually: definitely try it on first.

+ Advil. Take Advil.

+ There is no negative to helping your body be more comfortable.

Another Day 1

This morning I re-started a C25k program. The first day was a 1 mile walk. I stretched it out to 2 miles because I had to baby strapped to my chest and we were going pretty slowly (18 min/mile). I loaded up the Zombies, RUN! C25k program at the same time so I could have something interesting to listen to.

The walk was nice. But it's so hard to keep starting over. This is the third time I've started the Zombies 5k program. I tried breaking into a jog last week, but was still to sloshy to run more than 1/2 block. Well, I guess there's nowhere to go but up!

36 weeks

Pregnancy is like marathon training. It's EXACTLY like marathon training. You have this thing that's going to happen in the future, and you have months to prepare for it. There are books to read, foods to eat, exercises to do (or not, whatevs)... Instead of increasing mileage, there's increasing pounds on top of your body. It just gets heavier, and harder to move around. But the harder it gets, the closer you know you are to the finish line.

Also- there's the one big push at the end. The hardest day is the last day. And it's coming. And you know it's coming. And you're kinda scared, and pretty excited, and you're not quite sure if you'll be able to handle it, but you really can't turn back now.

The main difference???? Scheduling. If I told you someone was going to come to your house with a bull-horn and announce the start of your marathon while you were sleeping, or working, or shopping, or driving- and you wouldn't know when... just a vague idea of sometime in the next 4 weeks.... and then ready... set... GO! Marathon! 26.2.

The second difference??? The actual mileage. Maybe labor will last 5 hours (yay!! Sawyer was so easy!) or 15 hours, or... sigh... possibly closer to 20-24 hours. You won't know until it's over how long it actually will be.

Another similarity... pulling the plug. What if something weird happens and they have to do a C-Section? Breech baby? Weird infection? You'll get a DNF (did not finish) for the laboring, but you'll still get your medal for trying.

More similarities: heat an humidity are enemies of both. You need new, life-event-specific clothes that won't really be applicable at any other time. Hydration is key, as is going with the flow: preparation will only get you so far during the actual performance.

Final similarity: you want pictures of the whole thing, but the pictures will come out kinda wonky due to sweating.

35 Weeks

I figure it's time for a real picture....

Yes, this is full-frontal at 34 weeks. It's why I think it's a boy!

Haha! See!! 34 weeks! I keep marveling at how the front-view is so different from the side-view......

34 weeks, side view. Stephan wants to invent a pregnancy L bracket.

I have tried to take a few walks lately- nothing more than one mile. I get all sweaty and exhausted. I've been doing the squats, 10 every time I go to the bathroom (which turns into a lot of squats!) Even though we have 5 more weeks- technically- I started to get nervous and I washed a bunch of clothes and diapers (we do cloth) and packed a hospital bag. The first time we did this, the Sawyer was born less than 5 hours after I started labor. The doctor predicted 1/2 the time for this one which leaves us... not a ton of time to gather resources.

Of course, saying that means it will be 3 days of labor. But I've started to see the light at the end of the feeling-terrible tunnel. A few more weeks and everything will be so different. I know I'll miss this a lot- the sitting- the ice cream- the one-on-one with Sawyer- the peace and "dwuiet" (that's what Sawyer calls it, it rhymes with quiet). 

It's also a quiet, weird type of confidence to know that I have all the tools to get back into shape as soon as I'm ready. Last time, I had never run a marathon, or followed a training plan, or been fitted for running shoes. I'm starting a lot further ahead this time than before. Also, sidewalks. And no snake season in the city.