Step #1

I'm pretty sure I have more than one post with this same title. This time I'm not talking about the AA steps (Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.... although now that I've typed that out it doesn't seem that far off)

Step #1 Self-care
I have almost 9 years of blogging behind me that proves that I do not do this well. Or at all. But I try, and I try, and I just keep trying. Rest. Breathe. Drink water. Move. Learn. Connect. Sleep. I've focused my self-care over the last year almost exclusively on meditating. A friend pointed me to The Calm App and I've used it several times a week for almost a year now. I love that it tracks how many days in a row I use it (pinging the competitive and numerical part of my brain) and that there are dozens of options I can use to customize it. My kids love the Sleep Stories, and I've fallen asleep listening to the Sierra Bear every night for the last 2 months.

Therapy is also still going strong. I'm about 15 months into treatment with Meg2.0. She's got me convinced that I'm a lot more normal than I've been giving myself credit for. Yay! And I've been able to speak a little more openly to people about the every day benefits of having a mental health doctor as backup.

Running is... still hanging around my life. I ran the Soldier Field 10 Mile this year, and the Fort to Base 5k. I feel like my mind and body are still recovering from Adam and his 18 months of awakeness (18 months?? Yes. Colic lasted for 3-4 months, and the tiny thing didn't sleep a full night until well into his second year of life). I have the gear. I have Charity Miles and Zombies, RUN! I have a new used treadmill in the corner of the garage. 3-6 miles a week is the best I've done lately. So hopefully I'll get back into a routine with that soon.

Things I Don't Post to Facebook

Since it's been a whole year since I last posted, I feel like I'm shouting down an empty hallway.

Let me catch you up. In 2016 I....

~closed up my "daycare" (because seriously, worst. idea. ever.)
~helped raise $1000+ for DetermiNation
~ran a little
~drank a lot
~was elected secretary for our church's women's group
~started working at a high-end spa and actually making adult money
~gained a little weight
~went on a diet
~continued worrying about my kids' mental health
~started meditating with more consistency
~found a new friendship soul mate in my son's best friend's mom
~continued therapy
~ran a little more
~was on TV with DetermiNation
~quit DetermiNation
~rejoined DetermiNation
~tread water most of the year

I don't think there's a roadmap for how to recover from 2016. I've tried little things here and there. I created a List of 5 things to do while recovering from a tragedy (e.g. the 2016 election).

Step 1: Self-care
Step 2: Donate something
Step 3: Gather with supportive people
Step 4: Research and decide where your talents are best used
Step 5: Change the World

That's all I've got. I want to write more. Because I miss it. And because creating time to sit still needs to be on my 2017 list.

Seriously, WHY does the finish line keep moving??

Let me walk through something with you guys.

In 2012 lots of stuff was falling apart, so I went to therapy. Blah blah blah, Bipolar II. Blah blah blah, I can handle this. Yadda yadda I quit therapy. Almost 2 years later I end up back in therapy because things are again not going well.

Then today.... at the end of today's session, New Therapist (Meg2.0) tells me, "hey, I'd like to lift something off of you if you're ok with that." Well sure! You can do anything you want to!

"I want to lift that Bipolar II diagnosis off of you. I've been with you for a bunch of months now and I've heard a lot of things about your life now and your life in the past... and I'm sure a lot of things really do look like bipolar II, but I'm here to tell you right now- it's not that. You don't have that. You have different challenges, but not that. So I'm sorry to drop this on you at the end, and we will definitely talk about it more later. But there you go."

Thud. And also yay. And also also. Wow.

I'm not sure what even to think about this. I'm not sure I totally believe her yet. I have a lot to think about. But if it's true that I don't have that particular flavor of crazy, then a lot of things I think about myself are totally different. A lot of the things I've been afraid of don't exist anymore. A lot of things I thought were permanent, or inevitable, or impossible, are totally changed.

SO much to think about.

I've Probably Lost My Mind

Between Daycare, life, life, and church, I'm pretty busy. But I promised a few people I would run something this year for DetermiNation, and this week I finally picked it. It'll be my first medalled race since Ragnar two years ago. And it's my first DNation race for three years.

And then Bowie died. And THEN Rickman died. And I just had to move before I lost that momentum. This is a big disease. This stupid thing takes SO many people. And I know that it's technically lots of different diseases that are grouped together.

And I also know that the American Cancer Society is a behemoth organization with occasionally questionable spending habits. But I can't deny that they run the world's largest research, support, and advocacy groups for cancer. And when anyone (against MY advice) Google's their diagnosis, Cancer.org is the first hit. And I just keep hoping that ACS keeps putting out thorough, balanced, intelligent information for people to read. Because the internet is scary. And Cancer is scary. Combining those two can freak people out hard core.

So I'm running. And Stephan is running. We picked the Soldier Field 10-Mile because it had no fundraising minimum, and was our first DNation race together. And we're recruiting like mad for more people to run with us because so many people are hurting right now because of cancer and this one small (?) thing can help lighten that pain. Training and fundraising for a race feels good. It's how I'm fighting back against the scary, the sad, and the angry.