Thursday, January 22, 2015

Mary v Martha

(In which the blog takes a turn no one saw coming!!)

I'm giving up. (again) Today was too hard. The plan was to clean the house, grocery shop, and prep a meal for tomorrow. None of those things happened. In the 14 hours since I woke up, exactly one room was vacuumed, and many more dirty clothes and dishes were created than were cleaned. At every turn I was thwarted by a screaming baby, a tantrumming 5-year-old, puking cat, hungry baby, hungry 5-year-old, dogs that needed to go out, and then come in, and on and on and on. I fought my way through the day, harder and more determined after every set back.

The baby finally fell asleep at 9:30pm, and I was excited to put him down and make some headway. But then, I looked at him for the first time today and noticed how much he looks like a Hobbit when he's asleep.

What did I miss today? How many adorable giggles and smiles passed by while I struggled to load the dishwasher one-handed? What amazing observations did Sawyer make today that I missed because I was listening to podcasts while picking up toys? Did the boys snuggle together? Did Sawyer make funny faces to entertain his brother? Did Adam make progress on the crawling initiatives? I don't know. I was fighting too hard against life today to actually realize I was living it.

That's a shitty regret. Also, it's supported by this bible passage I've always hated.
[BIBLE?? WTF Anna?]

Luke 10:38-42

At the Home of Martha and Mary

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, you are worried and upset about many things,42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

"You are worried about many things, but few things are needed..." 
I've always hated this passage because it's the only time I've thought Jesus was totally wrong. Of course Martha needed to clean and prepare. There's SO MUCH to do! And a responsible person, who is hard-working and worthy, does it all. Don't we? We're ready for guests. Our house is clean. Toys put away. We aren't just sitting down hanging out. We're working!!
Sometimes I think that, if there is a hell, it's a place where you are forced to watch all the times you lived life checked-out, and missed the wonderful, beautiful moments. You'll see yourself driving and being angry instead of watching the amazing colors the sky is turning. You'll see yourself on the phone with a friend complaining about your kids while your kids are nose-to-nose on the floor laughing at each other. The nights spent with your spouse watching tv in separate rooms because you don't like the same shows. And you'll know you can never get that time back- that you wasted so much time doing instead of being with all the gifts given specifically to you. 
I'm super-guilty of all of this. But I'm hoping acceptance is truly the first step to changing it. 

1 comment:

Ali K. said...

I think moms are so hard on themselves. I've had this conversation with mom-friends so many times as they're apologizing for the state of their house. Your house is a mess because it's lived in and full of little kids and LIFE. I think that's totally fine, and I think most people would agree!

I have no excuse. We don't have kids and my house is always messy!