Sunday, August 11, 2013

Overheard: Text Messages

**Warning: This post contains language not suitable for sensitive people. But it's not my fault.**

I was laughing my butt off at this text exchange between myself and a friend. I thought you might enjoy it. It started because I said I was glad I had a boy child, since the total cost of his extracurricular activities would be less than a girl's.

HRHPAD: If this makes you feel better -- I heard from a mom whose son plays baseball. $700 for the season. Plus gear. You're screwed too.

Me: Hockey.

HRHPAD: Bwahahaha. That's the most expensive sport out there. Plus -- he's almost four. Why haven't you started lessons yet??!!?!?

Me: I'm home-schooling him in hockey.

HRHPAD: Hmmmmmm.... I thought you didn't want the other kids to mock him.

Me: Have you met us? Children mocking our son is something we're cultivating to build character.

HRHPAD: I'm calling DCFS. I will take him and the other boys we know and build myself a snarky little army..... it will be amazing......

Me: You will be exhausted after 6 hours with the bots... I mean boys.

HRHPAD: I'm outsourcing their care to my 10-year-old daughter.

Me: "Yes, Ms. Hannigan."

HRHPAD: Is that supposed to be insulting?????

Me: I dunno. Is your bathtub full of gin right now?


Me: Can I post this to my blog later a la The Blogess?

HRHPAD: Yes. But my fake name shall be Her Royal Highness Princess Ariadne of Douchtopia

Me: K. But then I'll have to tell the Douche Dog Story.


The Douche Dog Story
Once upon a time, an elder princess looked up from her Candy Crushing duties in the kitchen to see her loyal canine companion awaiting entrance into her castle via the scullery door. Without thinking, the princess allowed the pet inside, only to immediately be accosted by the strong odor of skunk.

She bathed the dog in the shower, then left it in the garage. Woe to her, it was raining that night, and the trusty steed was petrified of rain. The poor creature was tied to the princess's night stand and spent the rest of the evening on the royal carpet, in the royal bed chamber.

When the princess was awoken by the dawn, she resumed cleaning the castle. At Ye Royal PetSmart, the High Alchemist divulged her secret formula for expelling the evil stench. The Princess looked at the Alchemist askew, but proceeded to the Witches' Coven to procure the brew. Most items on the list were common: baking soda, vinegar.... but then, amongst the ingredients, was a new and different type of deodorizer. It was feminine douche. This most sacred ingredient was available in bulk packs of four, at a discount. And so it was that the princess bargained heartily for the Witches' entire stock of douche.

Three turns of the hour glass later, the castle was shimmeringly clean, resplendent in the lemony fresh scent of the most sacred of the Witches' brew. Various dignitaries arrived that morning to reassure the princess that there was no trace of the evil odor. Alas, the once mighty princess had been bewitched by the skunk's potion, and was forever doomed to smell his odor whilst inside her castle. To this day you can hear the princess asking her friends, family, and ghosts inside her own mind, "Does it smell like skunk in here to you?"

1 comment:

Melanie said...

Um, did anyone look at her funny for buying so much of that stuff? Or maybe she is just used to people looking at her funny. Poor Jeannie...I mean "Her Royal Highness Princess Ariadne of Douchtopia" ;-)