Monday, July 22, 2013


And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

I always find it fascinating when authors have mental breakdowns on their blogs. It's like a car accident that I can't look away from. As I'm reading I just keep thinking, "Dude. You have a delete button. Why aren't you using it?" I'm surprised that so many people toss their sadness out into the world and put themselves back together in front of complete strangers.

And then I read my own blog. Sheesh.

Am I running? No. Am I awesome? Not right now. Am I patient? Fine? Balanced? Kind? No. No. Not at all. God, I hope so.

This is like being at mile 5 of an 8 mile run. I'm well past the fun, fresh part of starting a run, and not yet at the downhill, coasting, almost-done, relaxing part. I've had a lot of great victories in the last few weeks, and a few moderate disappointments. Do you know what I could really use right now? 50 therapeutic minutes with a psychologist, or 45 with an acupuncturist.

And this... THIS... this is where the rubber meets the road. THIS is what I was worried about in May. This is the part where I blew off getting enough sleep, meditating, eating well, and exercising for the last four weeks, and I find myself looking at the sky from the inside of a formidable hole. The next few days/weeks are going to tell me if I was really ready to hold my mental health in my own hands.

To paraphrase my favorite meditation, "You're breathing right now. And that's cool. Keep doing that."


Ali K. said...

You are strong and brave to be working through what you are. You know there's brightness on the other miles 6 and 7 come into view. Relentless forward progress. I'll be thinking of you!

... said...

Ali, seriously. Relentless Forward Progress just brought me to tears. I never thought about using it for life. But wow. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me!!

Annie Crow said...

Ali has said it all.

Sending you prayers for sweetness and light.

... said...

Thank you Annie. It's really cool to have you guys 'out there' supporting me.