If Nothing Changes....

... then nothing's going to change!

Why, hello there Blog people! It's been a while. We are still dealing with Stephan's parents on a weekly basis, driving out and back to review medicines, visit with nurses, check-in on physical therapy- so that's been keeping us muy busy for the last two weeks. So busy, I haven't had much time to rant and rave about resolutions, and then completely disobey my own advice and make resolutions.

What I have noticed lately is that the running isn't coming together the way I was hoping. There are a list of post-natural-birth symptoms that my body hasn't really recovered from. So I read a blog post from a virtual friend all about core strength, and started doing a bit of research.

Turns out, it's totally normal and almost expected that core strength isn't going to come back simply by wishing on stars and putting on running shoes. Also, kegels aren't actually the end-all-be-all exercise. It's just not that simple. There are more muscles involved in stabilizing the pelvis. Lots more muscles (which - duh - I should have realized as a massage therapist). SO many things attach to those dang hip bones.

And those pictures aren't even all of it!! Considering how the body totally contorts itself to make room for (and eventually shoot out) a baby, it's more than reasonable to take some extra time to realign everything. 

Which is why I signed up for MuTu. It's a 12-week program of core exercise videos, diet suggestions, and activity guidelines that seems to be right up my alley. ("Seems" because I signed up last night and started the first day this afternoon)

I'll keep you updated- if it works, it'll be awesome and totally worth it (the $97!!!). If it doesn't, well, at least I tried something different!!

Public Service Announcement

If it's been 8 weeks since you've had a baby (not via C-section) and you are thinking that 1 minute of jumping jacks will be possible- or even comfortable... you should prepare yourself to be totally, embarrassingly, wrong.

It might go well. But prepare yourself that it might not.

Macaroni Pants

That's the punch line. Here's the joke:

Tuesday night we went to dinner and took Sawyer's leftover macaroni and cheese to-go in a small cardboard box. As we drove along after that, Adam got hungry and we had to stop in a parking lot for me to hop into the back of the car to nurse him. Not thinking, I sat on the box of mac and cheese- smashing it- and spilling it all over.

Today (Thursday) I was putting my clothes back on after my 6-week postpartum checkup and realized that I'd worn the [unwashed] Macaroni Pants all day. Was my shirt long enough to cover my butt? No, it was not. Was I wearing a jacket that might have covered my butt? No, I was not. Was I walking around a mall shopping? Yes. Was I prancing around the doctor's office showing off a baby? Yes, yes I was.

And was I still wearing those pants 6 hours later when my husband gently suggested it was time I change clothes and.... just maybe... put the pants in the laundry basket?

Yes. Yes I was.

Eat the Ice Cream for Breakfast

Pregnancy changes a lot of things about appetite. But that makes sense- you're growing a human. And gaining weight is an expected part of pregnancy. They go together. Eat more, get bigger. It's pretty much the point of the whole thing.

And then the baby comes out. And a lot of things change. They don't necessarily change back, but they change. Physically, all bets are off. If you look up the caloric requirements of pregnancy versus breastfeeding (oh, yeah, I'm doing that), you'll see that pregnancy requires an extra 300 calories, and breastfeeding requires about 500!!

So now I'm weirdly losing weight (in a good way) and eating more (in a weird way) and having food cravings more than I've ever had in my life. But it's a craving only for sugar and chocolate. So I've pillaged my freezer and cabinets, and maybe even found some old Easter candy. Once I ate through all the sugar and chocolate we had stocked in the house, I started doing really weird things to satisfy these cravings: eating chocolate chips out of the bag, making Dreamwhip and eating it, making vanilla pudding and adding pumpkin pie filling (ew!!). After witnessing these culinary machinations for the last few days, Stephan came home with ice cream.

He brought my favorite ice cream: AmeriCone Dream. And I ate some. And I slept well.

So now it's the next morning, and I'm thinking that maybe I should just give in immediately to the ice cream and have it for breakfast. I'll let you know how it goes.

(Also, my 6 week postpartum checkup is Thursday- here's hoping for the all-clear to start running agin!!)

Fhuwah?

I had a baby 5 weeks ago tonight (actually, as I write this, it was exactly 5 weeks ago that my water broke, and three hours later, on September 13th, a baby came out). It was incredible. It was amazingly fast, amazingly intense, and amazingly amazing.

And that was the last time I remember seeing the world clearly. Adam was born at 12:45am. Stephan and I slept that morning from about 4am-6am. And I haven't gotten more than 3 hours of consecutive sleep since then. It's really my only complaint at this point.

We have an adorable, perfectly healthy, baby boy!! Sawyer is thrilled. Heck, even the dogs like him! I'm exclusively nursing right now, which is another miracle. Honestly, everything about having a baby is mind-blowing. I just grew a human. In my body. And he's cute! And all he drinks is milk. Can you stand it? Isn't that nuts?

Also, have I mentioned the sleep deprivation? And with the lack of sleep comes a constant bouncing/rocking because Adam has a touch of colic. But only from 7pm-6am. Ha! I was joking with Stephan that I needed to write an email, but the computer refused to bounce with me. I ended up typing it one-handed on my phone.

Most of the bouncing we do on a balance ball. It's the best invention for baby soothing ever!! With bonus core work for me (for a few minutes at a time- I get achy quickly).

So that's my world right now. Eat, poop, feed, bounce, make a vague attempt at sleep. I'm completely jonesing for a run- but that's out of the question until I get checked on by the doc, and my pelvis stabilizes in my body... it's really just sloshing around in there right now.

And... bonus baby picture!!

38.5 weeks

I'm.... tired. Not physically sleepy, but the last 48 hours have just about done me in. I stressed myself out yesterday worrying about things and that kicked off an entire day of contractions, spaced evenly 8-5 minutes apart, but with some 30+ minute gaps. And they never got stronger, or closer than 5 minutes. Maneuvers were made- children were brought to our house, then brought to other houses. Bags were packed. The infant car seat made it into the car with the birth plan, deodorant and tooth brushes.

And then at 10pm, it all stopped. Once everything was ready to go, phone in-hand and OB office nearly dialed, it was over. The day of contractions ended. I fell asleep and had dreams all night about arriving at the hospital and having the baby. By the time I woke up in the morning I was exhausted from birthing the four babies I felt I had birthed overnight. After a slow morning of child-collecting and checking in with family, I insisted on a 2 mile walk.

I don't know what I thought was going to happen- but nothing did happen. So it's back to eating, drinking, peeing, and waiting waiting waiting.

It's not like it can go to college in there.

36 weeks

Pregnancy is like marathon training. It's EXACTLY like marathon training. You have this thing that's going to happen in the future, and you have months to prepare for it. There are books to read, foods to eat, exercises to do (or not, whatevs)... Instead of increasing mileage, there's increasing pounds on top of your body. It just gets heavier, and harder to move around. But the harder it gets, the closer you know you are to the finish line.

Also- there's the one big push at the end. The hardest day is the last day. And it's coming. And you know it's coming. And you're kinda scared, and pretty excited, and you're not quite sure if you'll be able to handle it, but you really can't turn back now.

The main difference???? Scheduling. If I told you someone was going to come to your house with a bull-horn and announce the start of your marathon while you were sleeping, or working, or shopping, or driving- and you wouldn't know when... just a vague idea of sometime in the next 4 weeks.... and then ready... set... GO! Marathon! 26.2.

The second difference??? The actual mileage. Maybe labor will last 5 hours (yay!! Sawyer was so easy!) or 15 hours, or... sigh... possibly closer to 20-24 hours. You won't know until it's over how long it actually will be.

Another similarity... pulling the plug. What if something weird happens and they have to do a C-Section? Breech baby? Weird infection? You'll get a DNF (did not finish) for the laboring, but you'll still get your medal for trying.

More similarities: heat an humidity are enemies of both. You need new, life-event-specific clothes that won't really be applicable at any other time. Hydration is key, as is going with the flow: preparation will only get you so far during the actual performance.

Final similarity: you want pictures of the whole thing, but the pictures will come out kinda wonky due to sweating.

35 Weeks

I figure it's time for a real picture....

Yes, this is full-frontal at 34 weeks. It's why I think it's a boy!

Haha! See!! 34 weeks! I keep marveling at how the front-view is so different from the side-view......

34 weeks, side view. Stephan wants to invent a pregnancy L bracket.

I have tried to take a few walks lately- nothing more than one mile. I get all sweaty and exhausted. I've been doing the squats, 10 every time I go to the bathroom (which turns into a lot of squats!) Even though we have 5 more weeks- technically- I started to get nervous and I washed a bunch of clothes and diapers (we do cloth) and packed a hospital bag. The first time we did this, the Sawyer was born less than 5 hours after I started labor. The doctor predicted 1/2 the time for this one which leaves us... not a ton of time to gather resources.

Of course, saying that means it will be 3 days of labor. But I've started to see the light at the end of the feeling-terrible tunnel. A few more weeks and everything will be so different. I know I'll miss this a lot- the sitting- the ice cream- the one-on-one with Sawyer- the peace and "dwuiet" (that's what Sawyer calls it, it rhymes with quiet). 

It's also a quiet, weird type of confidence to know that I have all the tools to get back into shape as soon as I'm ready. Last time, I had never run a marathon, or followed a training plan, or been fitted for running shoes. I'm starting a lot further ahead this time than before. Also, sidewalks. And no snake season in the city. 

Bad A$$ Mother....

I went for a walk!! Yay me!! A one mile, brought my water bottle with me, sucked it up and just freaking walk, walk. It felt really good. And it realigned my brain again, which I missed. Here's what my brain came up with today:

I still wear a necklace my sister-in-law bought me for my birthday. It says, Run. I kept wearing it to remind myself that I'm still a runner. There is still a runner, somewhere, deep inside all this pregnant-ness. And as I walked, I listened to my old running playlist that's filled with punk rock, heavy metal, rawrrrrrr music. And I thought, Yeah. That's still me. That's how I run, that's how I live, and that's how I'm going to have this new baby (we've been working a lot on labor and delivery plans this week).

When it was Sawyer's turn to be born, our doctor in Montana worked with us very closely to make sure we selected all the options we wanted so his birth was awesome for us. We knew we wanted music, but I couldn't decide what I would need to hear at the time. I had two playlists: one of Enya and New Age, and one of country and rock and roll. When she came into the room and the Zac Brown band was playing she stated simply, "Huh, that's not where I thought you'd go with this."

So anyway, being inspired by the dulcet tones of the White Stripes, I realized that what really defines me, what makes me a Runner, why I'm still tough (despite all of the resting and sitting), is desire. DESIRE. It's why Stephan claims he's not a runner, running is just something he does. He doesn't have the DESIRE.

Must... do.... the squats.....

As part of our Bradley Birthing classes I was assigned a weekly set of exercises. It includes butterfly stretches, kegels, and, every day, squats. It's week 2, so I have to do 15-20 squats a day.

You can do that in your sleep, right? That should take about 2 minutes, right?? Just get those out of the way before breakfast, right???

I'm terrible at the homework for this class. And those squats are my new nemesis. I'm writing about them so that maybe my public declaration will motivate me to just get them done. When Sawyer saw me practicing while holding onto the counter the other day he chimed in with, "Our sensei says you have to go lower. No, Mom. Lower. Lower..... yeah."

Sawyer is 4 and he's harassing me about my squats.

Giant shout-out to our amazing Bradley teacher Karalyn Voelkner, who has put everything together so it's super easy to keep track of everything (and super hard to be a slacker about it)

Longingly

Last weekend was the Chicago Rock n Roll 1/2 marathon. Sigh. I lived vicariously through pictures on Facebook. But I spent the weekend inside, in air conditioning. Also, at the pool.

It's third-trimester time. The cuteness of being big is wearing off, and the impossibility of moving from place to place is beginning. The baby weighs about 3lbs right now. In the next 8 weeks, it will more than double that weight. That's a lot of ballast.

But keep moving. That's the goal. Whatever moving means.... some days it's doing the squats assigned by our birthing-class teacher. Some days it's getting out to the pool to float. Some days it's making the trip from the bedroom to the bathroom 18 times. Other days, it means moving my eyes over the pages of a book (Divergent is as good as they said it was).

Also, ice cream.

How is Pregnancy like College-drinking?

1. Awake at 3:30am drinking sprite and cranberry juice.

2. The farting.

3. Binge-eating whatever someone else left in the fridge (because anything you didn't buy is the BEST. FOOD. EVER.)

4. Reruns of epic shows have a strange attraction (Lost, Dances with Wolves, Passions.)

5. Mens' sweaters are the MOST. COMFORTABLE. EVER.

6. Until they're not, and clothing just gets strewn around the place because when did it get so hot in here all of the sudden???

7. Shoes are the devil.

8. You're still the crying girl at the kitchen table.

9. Everything on a Denny's menu looks amazing.

10. Creepy feeling there's something weird going on in your belly.

List of Awesome Things

Here is a list of things you CAN say to a pregnant lady that will make her feel awesome:

1. Wow- you're all baby! The rest of your body looks so thin!

2. I wouldn't even know you were pregnant from the chest up!

3. You are so cute!!

(That last one is particularly effective when said by a total stranger to a pregnant lady who hasn't had makeup on in 5 days because of a killer sinus infection that's making her eyes swell up like she's a prize-fighter, and forcing her to mouth-breath because her nose is more congested than I-294 Northbound at 8:00am on a weekday)

Re-Do

Do you guys remember this post about me wrestling with a duvet cover???

Ok. Now imagine that I'm doing that exact same thing, but 7+ months pregnant. And then doing it again because we have approximately the national population of CHINA coming to our house this weekend and I wanted to have "all blankets on deck" for people who are spending the night.

This time, I Googled, How to Put on a Duvet Cover and got a lot (many more than I expected) results. Including videos.

I might be totally over duvet covers. For good.

Strange, but Comforting, but then Strange Pregnancy Dream

I dreamt I had the baby. At home. By myself. I just kinda looked down and there it was, outside. And I think it was a boy (which means this one is probably a girl), and it had a lot of hair, and it was totally healthy, despite being 3 months early.

And then I had Coke and Sun Chips for breakfast.

Things to Do on Restricted Activity

1. Complain and whine
2. Crochet granny squares out of all the spare yarn
3. Binge-watch Orange is the New Black
4. Drink a liter of water
5. Journal about being on restricted activity
6. Binge-watch House of Cards
7. Drink another liter of water
8. Sit on the floor and spot-clean the carpet
9. Repeat step 8 a few hours a day until entire carpet is clean
10. Pee. A lot.

"Moderate Activity"

Or

Overheard: OB/GYN office

So the ruling on the table is... NO bed rest (which, apparently, isn't even a thing anymore unless you're actively going into labor early), but to modify my schedule and activity level down to a "moderate level of activity."

I made the doctor define that....

Me: So I can do regular things like laundry and grocery shopping?

OB/GYN: Well, maybe. Don't carry full laundry baskets up and down the stairs. Is your washing machine in the basement?

Me: Yes. So don't carry full loads? Just half loads?

OB/GYN: No. Don't carry things up and down the stairs on a regular basis. You're starting to worry me. And don't carry all of your groceries in the house in one trip.

Me: So... like only 2 bags at a time?

OB/GYN: NO! Only one bag at a time. One. Light. Bag. Seriously. You're asking me the wrong questions right now.

Me: Well, it's not like I'm going back to running or anything...

OB/GYN: Seriously? Are you being serious? No running. Maybe gentle walking. Around the block. Slowly. With nothing in your hands.

Me: Ok. I'm a massage therapist. I can still work, just no deep tissue massages?

OB/GYN: If you are sweating, or clenching any muscles, don't do that. Look, I'm getting a real feel for what you consider moderate activity here, and I think I should just tell you to stick with "light activity", and hope that you hit some middle ground. I can't have you breaking an ankle, or taking a tumble, or giving yourself heat exhaustion in the next 3 months. Just hold on for a few more months and then I don't care what you do. Or just think about asking anyone else, "Should I do this?" and then imagine that will tell you "No" and then don't do that thing. Also, come back on Monday. Morning. First thing. I want someone to check on you.

I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and.... well, just keep sitting for a while

I'll skip the biology. The baby is fine. I'm fine. But after a few hours in a hospital yesterday the doctors told me to restrict my activity for 24 hours and come back to the office for a check up.

You'd think that would be easy. Rest. Take a break. Sit down. Watch a movie (or 6). Read a book. But the second someone tells me I have to do something, is when I don't want to do it!!! I'm telling you, the laundry basket is laughing at me. The dishwasher is repeating my name. And the pile of toys in the living room is creeping around the floor on its own power.

In other (unrelated) news: I found a new shrink! Nothing was wrong with the old one, but I wanted to make sure that with all the baby stuff, I had a female therapist on stand-by. And now I do! The threats Stephan made that encouraged me to do the research and schedule the appointment were creative and emphatic. So don't think I did all that on my own. Most things around here are a team effort lately.

Not Quite a Pregnancy Dream

**Edited to spell "Rocky" correctly**

I don't make a habit of being on the internet right before bed (it's just not good sleep-hygiene). But last night I scrolled through the Runner's World website, and stared longingly at the Run Outfit of the Day (RUNootd), while wishing I could just run a mile again.

A few hours later, in my sleep, I ran. My smaller, more efficient, body tackled the familiar streets of my neighborhood, and then did a Rocky-esque loop through the stadium at Wrigley Field: pounding into the turns and twists of the concrete ramps up to the top of the seats. Stephan was there, running next to me, and we talked and ran happily together (just like we never really have... so this was obviously a dream).

It sure beats that old Zac Effron pregnancy dream!!

Flowers for Anna-non

In school, "Flowers for Algernon" was one of my favorite short stories. I have always been a sucker for using text and punctuation to relay information beyond words.

Having this second baby is a lot like living through that story, physically. I started out slow and fat, got really lean, really fast, ran a marathon at the peak of my training and coasted along for a while. But now I'm at the part where I'm watching everything start to fall apart. My body is pooching out in different places (totally healthy, I know). One by one my pants are getting put in a box... along with old race shirts in the Small and Medium range. My splits have gone from 10's to 12:30's to lucky-if-I-finish-a-5k-in-less-than-45-minutes.

And today I went for a walk. I never intended to break into a run- I dressed for, and prepared for, a walk. Sigh. Super-sigh. Luckily, I keep remembering that this isn't permanent. But it's just such a weird feeling to be getting slower, and bigger, and to be running shorter distances. The backwards feeling is undeniable.

I know "Flowers for Algernon" is more about mentally disabled people than the glib problems of being a slower runner. But each time I look at a positive split (for you non-runners, that's a bad thing) or see the walk-breaks getting more frequent, I can see what's coming up, and it's not easy for me to be ok with it.

Please don't read this as me not being insanely happy for everything else that's going on in my life right now- the world is doing amazing things for us- I really couldn't be asking for anything else. I've prayed and hoped and waited for this exact time of my life for SO LONG that it's weird that I'm even registering this as a disappointment.