You asked for it! **Graphic**

I've gotten a few emails and phone calls (and IM's) about my panic moment last night at seeing the incision site for the first time. Thank you for being concerned, and of course, I know that in a few days I'll look back on this all and be glad for the period of personal growth. I've never been cut open before, never had stitches, never broken a bone, and only ever had one cavity in my whole life. Up until Tuesday, the image I had of my body being an impenetrable fortress of steel was uninterrupted. Even when talking with the doctor about the incision and the drainage tube, I had pictured something small, almost cute.

The first shock came when I realized how long the tube was that had lived under my skin for two days. Feeling something several inches long being pulled out of my neck confused my brain, and stopped my heart for a moment. I've seen too many X-Files episodes to be okay with anything living under my skin. Kayle was good, though. She put the table down so I could breath and not fall over. Stephan demanded my eyes stay open. My vivid imagination kept replaying the length of tube, the suction that had been going on for 48 hours, the draining fluid, the information that there was a hole in my body.

It took a while to get over that. Mostly I just tried to forget about it. Even now, typing, I can feel a hard lump form in the front of my throat where I remember the tugging sensation from yesterday.

Being out of line with pain medicine is another challenge I wasn't expecting to be so hard. I get confused, sad, depressed, upset, angry, and lost in my own house when the throbbing hits. Last night in front of the mirror, I really thought I'd just see a little line with 2 or 3 stitches in it. I thought the gauze was way over-sized for protection. Just seeing the actual length of the incision started me spinning. Again, the good imagination kicked in and I pictured the skin open, violated. This fortress I've lived with so easily cut into and pushed aside, and sewn back together. I saw black thread, red tissue, cut and broken. I saw a throat that looked as if it had been slit.


For a surgical incision, I've been told, this is amazing. There is no sign of infection, the line is perfectly straight, the stitches even and well-placed. It took a lot for me to face the mirror again and take the gauze off by myself. Now that I can look at the photo, I can replace all the upsetting images with healing ones- my body is making new cells every second, and taking the old cut up ones away. The skin knows how to weave itself together, my immune system knows what is friend and what is foe. The body repairs itself so many times a day. I'd forgotten how amazing it is, and how lucky I am to experience first hand the miracle that my body is. I am grateful to have a healthy body, and to watch it grow and repair. I'd forgotten.