***If we were to hold an Intervention for Cancer***
Ca: Hi. My name is Cancer. C.A.N.C.E.R. and I... I just can't stop myself.
I: Cancer, I'm an interventionist. I've been with these people since last night. They all have something they want to say to you. They'll say some things, then you'll say some things, and then we're done. Ok?
Ca: Sure. Whatever. But I'm not going anywhere.
I: That's fine. Just listen.
#1: Cancer. You have affected my life negatively in the following ways: I'm always afraid when I think you're coming around. I dread answering the phone because I keep thinking it might be you. You've torn apart families, stolen children, and ruined lives. I keep expecting you to go away for good, but you always keep coming back. Will you please accept the gift we are offering you today?
Ca: Whatever. You don't know me.
#2: Cancer. I have seen you destroy so many lives. You steal money. You make people sick. You move into a house and just sit there for weeks or months. You sap people's energy, and keep them from enjoying their lives. When you are around it's so much harder to live the lives we want to live- to do the things we want to do- to make plans for the future. Will you please accept the gift we are offering you today?
Ca: No. I'm not going anywhere.
#1: Cancer. If you do not accept this gift of treatment today I will no longer sit idly by and watch you destroy any more lives. You will not be welcome in my home. I will not allow you to occupy space in my mind. I will do everything I can to keep my body and mind healthy so you have nowhere to live anymore. If you do not accept treatment today, I will fight as hard and as long as I can to make sure you never destroy another life.
#2: Cancer. If you do not accept this gift of treatment today I will put all of my efforts into getting rid of you for good. I will dedicate my time and my money to helping those who are actively working against you. I will support everyone who fights against you. I will provide them with knowledge, with resources, and with the comfort and support they need to stand up to you. I will not sit and wait for you to return. I will be an active participant in my OWN life and in my OWN recovery, regardless of your decision today.
I: Cancer? Do you have anything you would like to share with us?
Ca: No. This is !@#$ %^&. You people....
Yeah, that's as far as I got. I'm taking suggestions for endings. Cancer storms out of the room? Goes out for a smoke and has a buddy pick him up? Gets on a plane for a recovery treatment center in California??